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Old Jokes

This page will be updated as often as I can, if you have any good jokes, please email them to me. These jokes mostly comes from Black cat and her mailer, thanx Geri

-What did the fish say when it hit the concrete wall?

-Dont know, what?

-Dam!

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticing that the previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the customer. The collections manager made the call and left left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

A divorced woman had been on her own for several months and was starting to get extremely horny.
She went to the grocery store and while there starting eyeing the attractive bag boy. She couldn't help but admire his youthful and sexy appearance. On the way out to the car, while the boy was carrying her bags, she decided to make her move.
Leaning over to the boy she whispered, "You know, I've got an itchy pussy...."

The savvy boy replied, "Well you're gonna have to point it out, ma'am, all those Japanese cars look alike to me!"

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her pet cat in her arms.
Hey, lady," yells Larry, "Throw me the cat."
"No," she cries, "It's too far."
"I play football, I can catch him."
The smoke is pouring from the windows, and finally, the woman waves to Larry, kisses her cat goodbye, and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward him. The feline bounces off an awning and Larry runs into the street to catch it.
He jumps six feet into the air and makes a spectacular one handed catch.
The crowd that has gathered to watch the fire breaks into cheers.
Larry does a little dance, lifts the cat above his head, wiggles his knees back and forth, then spikes the cat into the pavement.

Once upon a time, two brooms fell in love and decided to get married. Before the ceremony, the bride broom informed the groom broom that she was expecting a little whisk-broom. The groom broom was aghast! "How is this possible?" he asked. "We've never swept together!"

An extremely shy fellow once brought his date a bouquet of flowers. She threw her arms around him and kissed him long and hard. After the kiss, he turned and bolted for the door. She exclaimed, "Oh ! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you." "You didn't !" he replied. "I'm going to buy ya some jewelry."

One night a man heard howls coming from his basement and went down to discover a female cat being raped by a mouse.
fascinated by what he saw, the man gained the mouse's confidence with some cheese and then took him next door. The mouse repeated his amazing performance by raping a German Shepherd. The man, very excited by this, was dying to show someone his discovery. He rushed home and woke up his wife but before he could explain, she saw the mouse, screamed, and covered her head with the blanket.

"Don't be afraid, darling," said the man. "Wait until I tell you about this."
"Get out of here!" cried his wife. "And take that sex maniac with you

One day, a man comes home from work and finds his blonde wife leaning over the kitchen sink and crying. He asks, "Honey, what's wrong?"
She said between sniffles, "I...I dropped the ice cubes on the floor, and then I rinsed them off in hot water, and now I can't find them."
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are ... very slowly?"
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr Kiiiiiing.

A blonde went to a beauty salon to get a haircut. When the beautician approached the chair where the blonde was waiting, she noticed that she was wearing a Walkman. The beautician took the blonde to her styling booth. She asked the blonde, "Please take off the Walkman so I can cut your hair." The blonde replied, "I can't do without it, just cut around it."
The beautician shook her head in disbelief and started cutting. A few minutes later the beautician stopped and asked the blonde, "I just can't cut your hair properly while you are wearing that Walkman. Please take it off." The blonde replied, "I just can't live without it, cut around it please." The beautician started cutting again and finally had had enough.
The beautician reached down and pulled the earphones from the Walkman off the blonde. Just as she did so the blonde froze, then fell out off the chair and on to the floor. The staff at the salon rushed to her aid only to discover she was stone dead. All were stunned! The beautician lifted the earphones to her ear to listen to what was so important to the blonde. In a soft but commanding voice she heard, "Breathe in.......... Breathe out............ Breathe in.......... Breathe out..........."

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead apply for a position at a large company.
First the brunette goes in. The guy looks over her application and asks her one question: "How many D's are there in 'Bonanza'?"
The brunette replies, "None."
The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room for the next stage of the interviewing process."
The redhead goes in next. The guy asks her the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"
She replies, "None."
The guy says, "OK, you may go into the next room."
The Blonde goes in and he asks the same question: "How many D's are in 'Bonanza'?"
After counting on her fingers for a few minutes the blonde replies: "77."
The guy in shock asks her how she came up with 77. She says: "Dun da da dun dun da dun dun da da" (the Bonanza theme)...

A Jew, a Catholic and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.
The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, "I have four sons. One more and I'll have a basketball team."
The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, "That's nothing, boy. I have 10 sons! One more, and I'll have a football team."
To which the Mormon replied, "You fellas ain't got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more, and I'll have a golf course."

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says, "Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?"

Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?"

He says, "Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says. "Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
Tony says, "No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?"
He says, "Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen."
A guy in the back of the shop yells, "Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
He says, "No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?"
The guy yells, "That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school."

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor.
The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered,
"I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to your other ear?"
"The son of a bitch called back."

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young
woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand.

Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.
She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to
the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't
wearing any shoes either!"

There was a little girl and her mother walking through the park one day and they saw two teenagers having sex on a bench. The little girl says "Mommy, what are they doing?"

The mother hesitates then quickly replies "Ummm, they are making cakes". The next day they are at a zoo and the little girl sees two monkeys having sex. Again she asks her mother what they are doing and her mother replies with the same response, "making cakes."

The next day the girl says to her mother "Mommy, you and Daddy were making cakes in the den last night, huh?".

Shocked, the Mother says "how do you know?"
She says, "Because I licked the icing off the sofa".

Becky was on her death bed with her husband, Jake, maintaining a steady vigil
by her side. As he held her fragile hand, his warm tears ran silently down
his face, splashed her onto her face, and roused her from her slumber.
She looked up and her pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Jake,"
she whispered.
"Hush, my love," he said. "Go back to sleep. Shhh. Don't talk."
But she was insistent. "Jake," she said in her tired voice. "I have to talk.
I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Jake. "It's all right, go
to sleep now."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Jake. I slept with your brother, your best
friend and your father."
Jake mustered a pained smile and stroked her hand. "Hush now Becky, don't
torment yourself. "I know all about it," he sighed. " Why do you think I
poisoned you."

Amanpreet was eighteen years old, friendly, and eager to do things right.
Unfortunately, he wasn't especially bright. He had just started his first
job, as a delivery boy and general go-fer at a furniture warehouse. His first
task was to go out for coffee.He walked into a nearby coffee shop carrying a
large thermos. When the counterman finally noticed him, he held up the
thermos.

"Is this big enough to hold six cups of coffee?" he said. The counterman
looked at the thermos, hesitated for a few seconds, then finally said, "Yeah..
It looks like about six cups to me."

"Good," Amanpreet said. "Give me two regular, two black, and two decaf."

Police officer George and officer Mary had been assigned to walk the beat.
They had only been out a short while when Mary said, "Damn, I was running
late this morning and forgot to put on my panties! We have to go back to the
station to get them."

George replied, "We don't have to go back. Just give Fido my trusty police
dog one sniff, and he will go fetch them for you."

It was a hot day and Mary didn't fell like heading back to the station, so
she lifted her skirt for the dog. Fido's nose shoots between her legs,
sniffing and snorting. After 10 seconds of sniffing, Fido's ears pick up, he
sniffs the wind, and he is off in a flash towards the station house.

Five minutes go by and no sign of Fido. Ten minutes pass, and the dog is
nowhere to be seen. Fifteen minutes pass, and they are starting to worry.
Twenty minutes pass, and they hear sirens in the distance. The sirens get
louder and louder. Suddenly, followed by a dozen police cars, Fido rounds
the corner with the Desk Sergeant's balls in his mouth!

The elderly man was at home, upstairs dying in bed. He smelled the aroma
of his favorite chocolate chip cookies baking. He wanted one last cookie
before he died.
He fell out of bed, crawled to the landing, rolled down the
stairs and crawled into the kitchen where his wife was busily baking cookies..
With his last remaining strength he crawled to the table and was just barely
able to lift his withered arm to the cookie sheet.
As he grasped a warm, moist, chocolate chip cookie, his favorite kind, his
wife suddenly whacked his hand with a spatula.
Why? he whispered, Why did you do that?
"They're for the funeral.", she replied.

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticing that the previous bill hadn't been paid, instructed the collections manager to contact the costumer. The collections manager made the call and left left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one."

The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call from the customer who said, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

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