29th of may 1999
Untitled
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy,
business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my
fucking ass."
Then he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away.
Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," she said, "If I don't sell more ass this month,
I'm going to lose my fucking car."
A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a well-endowed,
beautiful, young, blonde woman in a tight-fitting bikini strolled passed.
The woman looked at the doctor, smiled seductively, and said in a very sexy
voice, "Hi there handsome. How are you doing?" before wiggling her backside
and walking off.
"Who was that?!" demanded the doctor's wife.
"Er - just a woman I met professionally," replied the doctor.
"Oh yeah?!" snarled his wife, "in whose profession? Yours, or hers?!"
One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the
avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady
walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked,
"I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around,
and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer." She had a neat appearance and
a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man
accompanied the young lady to her apartment.
The following morning the man presented her with $125.00 as he prepared to
leave. She demanded the rest of the money, stating "If you don't give me the
other $125.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you
get it on these grounds."
The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his
presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and
explained the details of the case. His lawyer Said "She can't possibly get
a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how
her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as
follows: "Your honor, my client, This lady, is the owner of a piece of
property, a garden spot,surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which
property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time
for the sum of $250.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used
it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating
the premises, he paid only $125.00, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The
rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment
be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's lawyer was impressed and amused by the way his opponent had
presented the case. His Defense, therefore was somewhat different from the
way he originally planned to present it. "Your honor," he said, "My client
agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such
property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the
transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around
which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, All labor
performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were
sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately
compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment
not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered thusly "Your honor, my client agrees that
the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant
not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property?
Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled
out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged
the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it as
prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others.
We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options: "Pay the $125.00 or
have the equipment detached and presented to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant wrote a check immediately!
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students.
Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your
school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true
that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"
Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did
you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking
along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on
this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and
said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; The clothes probably
wouldn't have fit."
An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better
to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time
with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The
artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and
mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you
are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get
some work done."
What's the difference between Engineers and Architects?
Electrical Engineers build weapons. Architects build targets.
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half
empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an
accountant. Now he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a
small business that he had started himself.
"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm
looking for someone to do my worrying for me."
"Excuse me?" the accountant said.
"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to
worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my
back."
"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"
"I'll start you at eighty thousand."
"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small
business afford a sum like that?"
"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."
A man walks up to a farmers house, knocks on the door. When a woman opened
the door, the man ask if she knew how to have sex. Not amused, she slammed
the door. Again, the man knocked, again, asked the same question. Again, not
amused, she screamed get the hell away.
Later, she told her husband of the incident. He said he would stay home the
following day just in case.
Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his
gun, while the lady answered the door. When she was asked again if she knew
how to have sex, she said yes. The man replied, "Great! Mind showing your
husband and tell him to keep away from my wife!"
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says,
"Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla, she keeps getting these cravings,
she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination then turns to the mother and says,
"Well,I don't know how to tell you this but your Darla is pregnant - about 4
months would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left
alone with a man! Have you Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five
minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there
doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over
the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!"
